


What We've Lost

by iluvaqt



Series: His Best Girl [13]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012), Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Lullabies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-20
Updated: 2015-06-20
Packaged: 2018-04-05 07:09:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4170690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iluvaqt/pseuds/iluvaqt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Felicity tries to get Natasha to talk about how she's feeling. </p><p>References Avengers: Age of Ultron</p>
            </blockquote>





	What We've Lost

[ ](http://s13.photobucket.com/user/micki34/media/Banners/IMG_74621.jpg.html)

::: ::: :::

It happened when Felicity was up to her elbows in dirty greasy water, scourer in hand, cleaning away.

Before that moment, as rare as it was for the guarded, enigmatic woman to make an appearance, Felicity was always a little too intimidated and in awe of her to go out on a limb and impose on Natasha's time in an attempt to strike up a friendship.

"I don't know how you can stand all that plaid. Please tell me you don't actually like it? I was under the impression you had chic and sassy style."

And that's when the wall came down and Natasha Romanov became a real person with a sense of humour and good taste.

Steve had been offended by their team up, protesting his clothing choices but he hasn't offered a lot of resistance when they'd taken him out to update and spruce his wardrobe. He certainly wasn't complaining later that night either when Felicity's reaction to him in a dark purple button down and black dress pants had them staying in rather than making their dinner reservation.

::: ::: :::

Her face pressed against the mat and her left shoulder threatening to pop out of its socket, she probably could have chosen a better time but these sessions were really the only moments she had alone with Natasha.

Felicity had suspected that the beautiful femme fatale had been falling for their quiet resident scientist and she'd been all for it. They both deserved to find happiness and ever since Bruce had decided it was impossible to be with Betty, her father's fixation and relentless pursuit of the Hulk saw to that, he had closed himself off to the possibility of being with anyone. But Felicity saw the way his eyes tracked Natasha. Just as her demeanor softened whenever she was around him. They would be good for each other.

So when she heard the team had returned sans Bruce, her first thought was for Natasha.

"He took the jet. Did you track it?" She did her best to ask nonchalantly, with her lips half obstructed.

Natasha immediately released her and stepped away, her walls coming up and her face shuttering all emotion.

Felicity rolled into her back and teased her shoulder, rotating it and stretching it. "Natasha," she appealed to her friend softly. "He was my friend. Something changed out there. Tony mentioned that Wanda messed with you all but he also said that just before it all went totally FUBAR that you two might have had a moment."

"Tony has a big mouth," Natasha snapped tiredly but without any heat.

Felicity sat on the mat crossing her legs and waited for Natasha to join her. Which after a stubborn token of brief resistance, she did. They sat shoulder to shoulder, sweaty, breathing heavy but comfortable.

"I told him a little about what they did to me. In making me what I am. I wanted him to understand that while everyone might call him a monster, in reality it is the soulless, merciless inhuman individuals out there who are the real monsters. Ones who would take little girls and shape them into remorseless precise instruments of death. Girls who become women who lie, seduce and kill. Women like me. Turning into a raging Hulk who has a conscience, who feels empathy and seeks solace, is no monster to me."

Felicity watch Natasha's lips thin and her jaw harden. She didn't know how the woman might react but her heart burned for her to do it. So tentatively she put her arm around Natasha's shoulders. 

The ultra composed woman broke and made a painful, sharp, wounded sound, before falling immediately silent. Clutching at Felicity so hard that it actually hurt. There would definitely be bruises. 

Natasha shook and trembled with the emotion she fought to suppress. This was her conditioning. To never show weakness. To kill all emotion unless it was to lure a mark, to fake it until she made it. Felicity knew that it was only because of Clint Barton that Natasha ever had the opportunity to reclaim the innocence of the girl she had lost so many years ago. S.H.I.E.L.D used her skills and gave her purpose but it was Clint and now the Avengers that had given her a reason to fight to live.

It took awhile, but Natasha finally stopped shaking and relaxed her grip. She didn't apologize. After all, Felicity had offered to be her support, she only probably hadn't known what to expect. Natasha was used to her body just being a vessel. Something to be used, filled and moved on. Physical urges were easily taken care of. It hadn't really mattered until she'd started noticing Bruce. After that she had started to want the act of being connected to someone physically, being laid bare and held, maybe even to be touched instead of always the seducer, the manipulator... She had wanted to experience intimacy and she had wanted it with him.

Of all of them she had felt drawn to Bruce. Maybe it was his earnestness. Or maybe it was how well he hid the beast inside behind perfect manners and an unassuming facade. Or maybe it was how well he'd disarmed her with his quirky sense of humor the evening they first met. Whatever the reason he'd found a crack in her wall and every time they spent any time together, that crack grew until she was so sure that the whole world could see how she'd fallen for the mild mannered scientist.

"I thought of any man I'd ever met, Bruce would understand what it's like to fight against this pit inside you that wants to consume you. It's all you know and it's wrong, you feel it and you fight against it, every second of every day. The struggle is constant. It would be so much easier to not care, to let it take over, and not fight. I thought it would be easier to have someone who understood and could help me fight. We would fight together. Isn't it always that love they're trying to feed us. Stronger together... Is it a lie?"

Felicity shook her head, her own eyes tearing at the rawness and anguish she saw in Natasha's eyes. She still hadn't cried, not one tear but her eyes were very bright. "I don't know. Steve makes me feel safe, wanted, irreplaceable, but at the same time I know if it was him or the world, I'd choose him. Is that strength or weakness?"

Natasha didn't answer but she seemed to understand what Felicity meant. Love couldn't be measured as a risk or asset. Or in pros or cons. It was an act of faith. And it took courage to act on it and commitment to foster it, make it grow, so it's foundation was solid and unshakable it could endure anything. 

"I can't claim to know him the way you did. Although, the Hulk didn't squish me the first and only time we met."

Natasha smiled. "I thought Steve was going to burst a blood vessel. Sam obviously didn't do his job that day."

Felicity shook in exasperation over the memory. "It was my idea. It was only fair I play the guinea pig. We'd already talked it to death. Steve wasn't budging and neither was Bruce. So we gave them a push. Steve wasn't supposed to know until after we'd succeeded."

"And if you'd needed a body cast?"

"I trusted that there was enough of Bruce in the Hulk's psyche that he would at least recognize me. Whenever we'd worked together he said he liked my humming. A lullaby is just an expansion on that."

"You were very brave and stupid," Natasha concluded.

"I think they go hand in hand. Fear tells you to run, for self preservation's sake. Bravery says to stand your ground. I believe everyone's afraid of something. Bravery is telling fear - shut up, I know it's dumb but I'm doing this anyway."

"While Steve was about to blow a blood vessel, the rest of us were just plain gobsmacked. Even though Tony's job was to put a shield up between you if Hulk got twitchy, I think he was too distracted by the picture of serenity on your face."

Felicity chewed her lip and nodded. "My mom's secret super power is that she's a baby whisperer. She says they can sense fear, so even though you might be out of your mind with worry, you're tired and their crying is driving you mental, you don't let it show. She can sing them to sleep. Sick, overtired, chronic colic, energizer bunnies, clingy babies, she's worked her magic on all of them."

"Are you saying you looked at Bruce and saw a giant green kid?" There was a suspicious tilt to her lips and Natasha's left eyebrow was hiked dangerously high.

Felicity narrowed her eyes at her. "Yes, a scared, irritable, enormous child. I assumed his psyche is under developed. His first instinct when threatened, according to Bruce was to run and hide. Find a quiet place away from everyone. He only fights back when cornered or if it's Bruce's call. I had to relate to him as a non-threat even more so, someone who cared. It's why I moved slowly, always kept my hands where he could see them and didn't stop singing, soft and soothing."

Natasha closed her eyes and lifted her face skyward. After a moment she let out a breath. "And it worked. Because of you we were able to take Bruce out in the field and having the Hulk there to smash through reinforced metal doors and flip tanks was a huge asset to our assaults on HYDRA operations. I don't think anyone would have been comfortable with having the big guy riding in the jet, no matter how much of a team player he turned out to be."

"If you want to find him, you know we can."

Natasha shifted her face and looked at Felicity. Mutely she nodded. 

"Bruce is one of the smartest guys I know. But he's also one of the most clueless. We both care about him. Don't let him lose himself in his misery. Only you can bring him home."

Natasha stayed silent but after a moment she stood abruptly. "I appreciate your efforts, Felicity. I do. But we've got ten minutes left before I've got recruits to see to, so up." She collected to batons from a weapons rack and settled into a fighting stance. "Ready?"

Felicity winced in anticipation of the beating she was going to get. At least Natasha seemed to be more like her usual syrupy self, like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth and dogs wouldn't bark at her. Suckers. 

::: ::: :::

Steve found her in their bath up to her neck in ice water. She had a cloth over her eyes but she heard him come in.

"Well that explains it," he mused with a smile in his voice. "Nat cracked an old man joke and I thought either Bruce's back or sent a postcard at least."

"Instead she had fun using me to remodel the training room."

Steve sat on the lip of the tub. "I've seen your form. You don't need to push yourself this hard. I thought we agreed you'd never have to go on missions."

"And if it ever got out that Captain America has a woman at home, I don't want to be a liability. I'm surrounded by people who are either super powered or know how to defend themselves. I refuse to be the weak link."

Steve kissed her cheek and lifted the towel covering her eyes. "I truly pity the person who dares to insinuate that. This from the woman who looked at the Hulk and saw a giant baby in need of a hug." He tried not to laugh, really he did.

Felicity scowled at him and splashed him with a tide of water, aiming to drench him from head to toe. 

Steve leaped out of the way but some of it still hit him, the seat of his pants catching the most of it. He disappeared into their bedroom, smiling broadly as he went. Sure he could smile about it now. At the time he'd wanted to throttle her. Maybe shake some sense into her. Crazy woman.

"At least she's talking again," Felicity mumbled to herself, slouching deeper into the water even as it bit into the warmth of her neck. "Even if it is to make everyone laugh at my expense." She heard rustling and the heavy slap of his pants hitting the floor outside, and then another subdue but unmistakable guffaw. "And shut it, Steve. I can still hear your snickering from here."


End file.
